saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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