I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
