Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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