I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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