if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
