Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
