please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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