Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So squirting runs in the family.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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