After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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