i permit you to call me
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
