my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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