I wish I could teleport
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
