Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
