Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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