I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
