ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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