I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
