the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
