She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
