My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
