i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize