Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize