I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize