Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize