update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
