Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(612): View more from Minnesota

and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(301): View more from Maryland

Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent

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(416): View more from Toronto

You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony

(289): View more from Ontario

Yeah I know, the people below me already told me

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(310): View more from California

I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible

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