Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
