I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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