I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
