god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
