i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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