Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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