the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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