I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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