There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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