You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
