He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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