Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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