He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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