Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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