$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
