Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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