I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
