Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
