i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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