my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
