But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
