Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
