Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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