Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i think im in europe. pls send help
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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