Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
