I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
