Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
