Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
operation have a gay friend backfired
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
