Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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