Define "chronic" masturbator.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
