just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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