It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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