I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize