did you get engaged???
Me too!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
