We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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