I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
