I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
