There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
