Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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