did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
