i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
