He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
